GET YOUR DAILY CRACKUP! http://crackup.today.com Delivering Laughs Every Day Fri, 03 Oct 2008 04:11:46 +0000 http://www.today.com/version-2.3.1 en Wtf?? http://crackup.today.com/2008/10/03/wtf/ http://crackup.today.com/2008/10/03/wtf/#comments Fri, 03 Oct 2008 04:04:18 +0000 ldenni02 http://crackup.today.com/2008/10/03/wtf/ 272-yardsale.jpg

Let’s guess, the person who finally bought this probably said…

“Hey maw…foun’ one…now Elroy ‘kin stop sleeping at the mor-tu-ary.”  

And they probably live here…LOL!!

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Lost for words on this pic…cock-polishing.jpg

WTF?  Who the hell invited him…I wonder??

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Dick in the Dirt lives here…LOL!!

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]]> http://crackup.today.com/2008/10/03/wtf/feed/ Self portrait biker… http://crackup.today.com/2008/10/02/self-portrait-biker/ http://crackup.today.com/2008/10/02/self-portrait-biker/#comments Fri, 03 Oct 2008 02:55:27 +0000 ldenni02 http://crackup.today.com/2008/10/02/self-portrait-biker/ crazy-bike.jpg

Living in Florida, things like this are seen, are common…

I wondered what the person looked like that owned it.  Then I found this guy>>>>  Self portrait, I do believe.

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]]> http://crackup.today.com/2008/10/02/self-portrait-biker/feed/ Superhero’s…Sack and Nad http://crackup.today.com/2008/10/02/superherossack-and-nad/ http://crackup.today.com/2008/10/02/superherossack-and-nad/#comments Fri, 03 Oct 2008 02:06:28 +0000 ldenni02 http://crackup.today.com/2008/10/02/superherossack-and-nad/ asian-guys-gay.jpg

Wonder what their signal would be…?

]]> http://crackup.today.com/2008/10/02/superherossack-and-nad/feed/ Sherlock and Watson http://crackup.today.com/2008/10/02/sherlock-and-watson/ http://crackup.today.com/2008/10/02/sherlock-and-watson/#comments Fri, 03 Oct 2008 01:49:59 +0000 ldenni02 http://crackup.today.com/2008/10/02/sherlock-and-watson/ Sherlock Holmes
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they were exhausted and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

“Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

Watson replied, “I see millions and millions of stars.”

“What does that tell you?” Holmes said Watson pondered for a minute.

“Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that The lord is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have, a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?”

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. “Watson, you idiot, Some jerk has stolen our tent.”

]]> http://crackup.today.com/2008/10/02/sherlock-and-watson/feed/ St. Peter gets an idea. http://crackup.today.com/2008/10/02/st-peter-gets-an-idea/ http://crackup.today.com/2008/10/02/st-peter-gets-an-idea/#comments Fri, 03 Oct 2008 01:44:14 +0000 ldenni02 http://crackup.today.com/2008/10/02/st-peter-gets-an-idea/ It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, “Tell me about the day you died.”

The man said, “Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn’t find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died.”

St. Peter couldn’t deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.

He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. “Well, sir, it was awful,” said the second man. “I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!”

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.

“Tell me about the day you died?”, he said to the third man in line.

“OK, picture this, I’m naked, hiding inside a refrigerator….”

]]> http://crackup.today.com/2008/10/02/st-peter-gets-an-idea/feed/ Ebonics… http://crackup.today.com/2008/10/02/ebonics/ http://crackup.today.com/2008/10/02/ebonics/#comments Fri, 03 Oct 2008 01:35:10 +0000 ldenni02 http://crackup.today.com/2008/10/02/ebonics/ A High School student in Oakland, California, received a homework assignment in his Ebonics Class. All he had to do was put each of the following words in a sentence. This is what he did:


1. Rectum…I had two Cadillacs, but my ol’ lady rectum both.

2. Hotel…I gave my girlfriend the crabs, and the hotel everybody.

3. Odyssey..I tol’ my bro, you odyssey the jugs on dis hoe.

4. Stain…My mother-in-law axed if I was stain fo dinner again.

5. Seldom…My cousin gave me two tickets to the Knicks game, so I seldom.

6. Penis…I went to a doctor and he gave a cup and said penis.

7. Catacomb…Don King was at the fight the other night. Man, somebody give that catacomb.

8. Foreclose…If I pay alimony this month I’ll have no money foreclose.

9. Undermine…There a fine lookin’ hoe in the apartment undermine.

10. Disappointment…My parole officer tol’ me if I miss disappointment they gonna send me back to the bighouse.

11. Income…I jus’ got in bed wit de hoe, and income my wife.

12. Honor…At the rape trial, the judge axed my bro’ who be honor first?

13. Fortify…I axed the hoe how much, and she say fortify.

14. Israel…Alonso tried to sell me a Rolex; I said man, that looks fake; he say, no, Israel.

15. Dictate…My girlfriend says my dictate good.

 

]]> http://crackup.today.com/2008/10/02/ebonics/feed/ Jokes of the Day! http://crackup.today.com/2008/09/30/joke-of-the-day-2/ http://crackup.today.com/2008/09/30/joke-of-the-day-2/#comments Wed, 01 Oct 2008 01:24:00 +0000 ldenni02 http://crackup.today.com/2008/09/30/joke-of-the-day-2/ Do you remember blowing bubbles when you were younger?

Well he called and wants to see you again!

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Question: What is better than roses on a piano?
Answer: Tulips on an organ

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I’m Tired…

Yes, I’m tired. For several years I’ve been blaming it on getting older, lack of sleep, weekend projects, stale office air, poor nutrition, carrying a couple of extra pounds, raising a family, recent ailments, and a dozen other reasons that make you wonder why life is getting tough.

But now I found out what’s really happening! I’m tired because I’m overworked. The population of the USA reached 300 million last October. 79 million of the population are retired. That leaves 221 million to do the work. There are 19 million toddlers and 76 million students in schools, which leaves 126 million to do the work. Of that total, 21 million are unemployed leaving 105 million to do the work.

Then you take away 34 million in hospitals and that leaves 71 million to do the work. 43 million are in prisons and that’s 28 million left to do the work. Now take away 14,683,468 federal, 5,344,722 state and 5,370,743 city workers who run our government and you’re left with 2,601,067 to do the work. Take away the 2,601,065 people in the armed forces and that leaves just two people to do the work - You and Me!
And you’re just sitting there reading this! No wonder I’m tired!!!

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]]> http://crackup.today.com/2008/09/30/joke-of-the-day-2/feed/ Natural Sweater http://crackup.today.com/2008/09/30/natural-sweater/ http://crackup.today.com/2008/09/30/natural-sweater/#comments Wed, 01 Oct 2008 01:20:31 +0000 ldenni02 http://crackup.today.com/2008/09/30/natural-sweater/ hairyman.jpg

I can’t come out to play today, Jimmy.  I have to go walk my dad…!!!

]]> http://crackup.today.com/2008/09/30/natural-sweater/feed/ Caught! Yellow…um, handed? http://crackup.today.com/2008/09/30/caught-yellowum-handed/ http://crackup.today.com/2008/09/30/caught-yellowum-handed/#comments Wed, 01 Oct 2008 01:17:32 +0000 ldenni02 http://crackup.today.com/2008/09/30/caught-yellowum-handed/ dontpee.jpg

Okay, I will stop peeing in the sink when you clean the toilets!!!

]]> http://crackup.today.com/2008/09/30/caught-yellowum-handed/feed/ Overcompensating Weatherman http://crackup.today.com/2008/09/30/overcompensating-weatherman/ http://crackup.today.com/2008/09/30/overcompensating-weatherman/#comments Wed, 01 Oct 2008 01:04:04 +0000 ldenni02 http://crackup.today.com/2008/09/30/overcompensating-weatherman/ zzzzzforecast.jpg

This proves it…weathermen are always wrong!

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